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Oh man, so after getting only four hours of sleep last night, I rolled the dice before writing group this morning...

The dice once again chose daily-prompt. I cringed, because I knew that I had no ideas for the next prompt (working backwards from the last post) on that site. So, I went to writing group and worked on my latest attempt at a novel instead... and man, Wednesdays are going to be horrible for getting daily fics done. I can already tell. I'm so exhausted... mind you, it's my own damn fault for staying up too late. I should stop doing that.

Blah blah blah... long story short, at the end of the day I checked daily-prompt again and they actually had a new prompt! So, I wrote to that one instead.

Another Captain America fic (sorry to the most of you, who aren't in that fandom and couldn't care less)...

Prompt:
You only know what I want you to
I know everything you don't want me to
Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine
You think your dreams are the same as mine
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
I always will
-Poison & Wine; The Civil Wars


You Only Know What I Want You To
Words: 532

Bucky doesn’t tell Steve that he’s noticed the way Steve’s looks at him. Bucky doesn’t tell Steve that he knows it’s not always Bucky that he’s jealous of, when he watched Bucky dance with a girl. Wouldn’t make much difference, if he did, or maybe it would – maybe it’d make all the difference, but Steve’s got too much different about him already. It’s for his own good that Bucky doesn’t let him have that too. Besides, if Steve wanted Bucky to know, he’d tell him, which means that Bucky’s doing them both a favour by pretending he’s oblivious.

Bucky tells Steve he enlisted, because you can’t tell a guy like Steve that they’re dragging you off to war kicking and screaming – that you don’t actually care that much for your country, not as much as you care for Steve, anyhow. You can’t tell Steve that when he keeps breaking the law, lying on those enlist forms, thinking that one of these times they’re not going to notice that a stiff breeze could blow him over, that a cold night can make him stop breathing right.

Bucky doesn’t tell Steve that he hates what they did to him. He knows it selfish, because Steve’s happy – finally getting what he wanted – he’s healthy, he’s in the army, and more importantly, Bucky knows he doesn’t have to worry about another bout of influenza killing him. But he also knows that now he has to worry about Steve getting shot in the head, that now he has to watch as Steve sees just how dirty and awful the world is, just how much it isn’t at all like he believes, like he wants it to be... and Bucky has to watch as other people look at Steve like he’s something special, only for all the wrong reasons.

Bucky doesn’t tell Steve that he wants to stay the hell away from Hydra, after what they did to him and the other POWs – those ones that ever made it back from where Bucky was. He doesn’t tell him that sometimes he lies awake at night wondering whether he’d shoot himself in the head if Steve asked him nicely – wonders if that’s what Steve’s doing with all his speeches to the men and his admiring and proud looks at Bucky. Bucky would do it, in the end, because he wants to live up to that admiration and pride, he wants the world to be like Steve believes it is, and he doesn’t want Steve to ever know that it’s all just a lie upon a lie.

Bucky doesn’t tell Steve that he loves him. He doesn’t tell Steve that he remembers that – remembers perhaps only that. He knows Steve will come after him. He knows it’s only a matter of time before Steve finds him, because Steve never gives up anything ones he’s got his teeth sunk in – and Steve’s had his teeth in Bucky since day one, maybe even before that. Bucky doesn’t remember, he just knows. He feels like he was born with Steve’s teeth sunk in and he doesn’t know if he likes it much, but he does know that he never wants it to change.


End.

Kind of a bit of a darker piece again. I keep hoping the dice will roll me a comedy, but alas! If I were actually playing D&D with them right now, I'd be losing a fight.

If you wanted, you could believe this is the same universe as my previous Captain America fic. Fun! Maybe that should be something I try to do during this month... make my drabbles be in the same 'verse. We'll see.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
cordelia_gray
Jun. 5th, 2014 04:55 pm (UTC)
Oh, I like this. I love h ow Bucky feels like he's always failing to live up to Steve's regard, and how hard he'll try, and how Steve's belief in people can warp the world around him. Very nicely done.

(one typo: "Bunky" instead of "Bucky" in the last paragraph)
hells_half_acre
Jun. 5th, 2014 04:59 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the typo catch!

And thanks in general! :)

I am rather enamoured of these characters now.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )