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I'm just going to leave this here...

This morning I woke up and I could see better. I could see across the room to my alarm clock 10:04...10:04...10:05....10:05....I didn't move, wondering why I could see - was it the position of the pillow by my right eye? Was it that my eyes were still asleep and had not remembered that they were supposed to be bent out of shape? 10:05...10:05....blinking didn't seem to change it, but I could feel the sleep creeping in. Would I be able to see the moment when my eye-sight worsened? Would it happen in an instant? Gradually? 10:05...10:05....no, 10:06, it had changed. Just now? Or had I not noticed? Was it happening already? 10:06...10:06....

...11:25, blurry. This is how people accidentally sleep in.

 I could have looked for work, but instead I read a 24K story about two boys falling in love. I searched a job site half-way through, when things looked like they might not work out - even though they always do. There were no jobs on that site. One at an architectural firm - I like architecture, but I never studied it. So many things that I like but never studied. The boys fell in love, were always in love, lived ever after, presumably happily.

Eat a bagel. Clean your room.

The only thing I like about cleaning is that it's when I listen to music. I can't listen to music while I write or read - so it's either when I'm walking somewhere or when I'm cleaning. I used to listen to music when I did my math homework too...back when I had math homework.

People assume sometimes that, just because I studied history and I read and write a lot, that I must be bad at math. It's not true - I was brilliant at math. I loved it too. Formulas...I loved memorizing and using formulas. I drew detailed pencil sketches of birds on my pages of formulas that needed to be memorized - not because I was bored, but because I wanted everyone to be able to see how beautiful it all was.

I got an A+ in Finite Math (learned how to make cyphers, calculate numbers of combinations), I aced my Calculus final. I took Algebra and Geometry long enough to learn how to graph in three dimensions, and then I dropped it. Not because I couldn't do the course, just because at that point, I wasn't interested in the rest as much as I was interested in my History and Creative Writing courses. 

I can't do math in my head though. Even the basic stuff, I count on my fingers.

Tigerlily Road by Ian Tamblyn is a good song. About the past and how you can never step in the same river twice - and how things aren't lost, they are just living forever. It makes me miss so much, nostalgia....and it makes me grateful for all of it too. These past few years haven't been as easy as previous years, but I'm sure one day I'll forget all that and think of these days just as fondly as I think of the days when I loved and was loved to such an extent that I thought the beauty of the world might kill me.

I've been waiting for the day when someone asks me how I'd prefer to die. "I want the beauty of the world to kill me." It'd be terrifying and wonderful. 



Comments

( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
mymuseandi
Sep. 16th, 2011 12:37 am (UTC)
This stream of consciousness is almost like poetry, but I'm sure it's not what you are quite getting at. :)

You sound exhausted. *hugz*
hells_half_acre
Sep. 16th, 2011 01:00 am (UTC)
I'm not quite sure what I was getting at, so poetry is a good place to end up. :)

Thank you *hug*
sandymg
Sep. 16th, 2011 01:34 am (UTC)
Your love of math is lovely. I will be picking your brain when I get back to my genius!geek!Jensen Talk verse. Is that okay?
hells_half_acre
Sep. 16th, 2011 01:38 am (UTC)
Haha, it's been a couple *cough* of years, but I'll try to help, sure ;)

Edited at 2011-09-16 01:38 am (UTC)
borgmama1of5
Sep. 16th, 2011 03:24 am (UTC)
Embrace the moment...it's all there really is. But our memories are who we are...

Your stream-of-consciousness has triggered mine...or maybe I'm just tired :)

Hugs!
hells_half_acre
Sep. 16th, 2011 04:07 am (UTC)
Either way, I hope you have a good sleep :)

Hugs back!
raloria
Sep. 16th, 2011 05:27 am (UTC)
Heh. I definitely count on my fingers. Always sucked at math. I'm lucky to be able to add 2 and 2 together. :P
hells_half_acre
Sep. 16th, 2011 05:40 am (UTC)
I just suck at it when I try to do it without paper. It makes the money thing difficult in store - but otherwise I'm good. :P

(off topic: I sent you an email last night, did you get it?)
raloria
Sep. 16th, 2011 06:01 am (UTC)
Yes, I did get your email (sorry, haven't been home much the past 3 days). I'll probably just grab the cap special from the BluRay file I have. I haven't really capped AHBL yet and the few caps I do have are older ones that aren't HQ.

When is Toronto Con? I can probably grab the cap over this weekend and get it to you.
hells_half_acre
Sep. 16th, 2011 06:08 am (UTC)
It's Thanksgiving (uh, sorry, canadian thanksgiving)- October 8th weekend. So, there's time. No rush. :)

Thanks!
raloria
Sep. 16th, 2011 06:12 am (UTC)
Ah, cool. I thought it was the first weekend in Oct. Close. ;)
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )